A very long viewable diary 心情日记
人呢，心情不好的时候就想长篇大论。It has been a week since my last and final result announced, I feel, much better, at least, no longer cried about it. People tend to immerse themselves in the past, I mean at least, myself.
“这个世界上有很多事情不是努力就可以。
要有天分，才干。
最重要的，还是运气。”
Flashed back everything in 2016, I was being 'forced' into form6. 下定决心不碰理科的我, once again being arranged into science class. I don't know why I can't remember how stressful I was at that time. My friend reminded me that I always cry when talking about studies. 但是我还真的还挺好强, studied something I don't like but manage to get a so-so result.
2014, 选科。Before going into form4, I always thought I'm definitely going to choose pure science stream. But ended up because of parents, I took accounts. 真的很不喜欢，硬着头皮读完。考的不怎么样。Now that I think about it, why do I choose account. Why do I screw up PMR. Why do I screw up SPM.
And here I am, in the same spot, thinking that I can do it, but in fact, I'm far more incapable than I think I am.
But I was reminded of how I've always strive to do the best in whatever I do.
“考三个一百 ，当组长” 我考
"你华语不行，你是怎样考进第一班?" Because of my not so chinese look, being looked down by my mandarin subject teacher, I borrowed bunch of chinese novels, begged my parents to buy me chinese books so that I can prove myself. In secondary school, I studied so hard so people won't compare me with my peers. But ended up, hearing things like "安琦fail着下 都可以考好SPM"
我到底哪里做不好？
And now here I am, receiving the final result of my degree, a useless second lower. People always say that result is not everything, but it is my most damn important thing in life. 是我自己想做好的事. Apparently I did no good in it at all. I don't know how much time I would take, for me to digest the fact that everything is over. Study, result is not everything, must learn how to look forward. 道理我都懂. I have no talent in study, 大部分靠后天努力。I tried my best, but maybe that isn't my very best. 说自己尽力了 but I'm doubting myself. 但好像不后悔，因为真的觉得自己尽力了。I prayed every day for God to guide and teach me to accept that whatever is given is all God's plan. 学会接受. But when things really happened, I'm still unable to accept, ask God why it happened. But I don't expect an answer. Because I know, I‘ve experienced it, I know God has his own plan.
毕竟学习成绩是定终身的事, 谁说的过自己。
Going into private uni is my dream, able to enter the college I want, 我也太幸运, I'm such a blessed child. I am finally a graduate. I wanted to say sorry for the people I failed, my parents, lecturers, people who had hopes on me, most importantly, myself. 辜负了自己。But I know continuing at this state also hurts people around me.
But side note, looking back at the past three years, I really enjoyed my time in BAC.
We don't have interesting campus life, we don't have fancy blocks of buildings, we don't have events held in my campus.
But I really liked it.
I liked that my campus(college) is a small one. I think I've never really complaint about my college. Thank God for BAC's management, I've always heard complaint from other uni or college that their management is shitty. Thank God for where KL campus is located, near to mall, near to a lot of hawkers stalls. Anyways lunch is never a problem for me coz I always pack lunch to class. Although I'm not able to experience living outside (dorm-life), but I am able to experience taking public transport to school almost everyday.
Also, I want to sincerely thank every single lectures that had taught me before. I will never exchange anything for the lectures I got. I enjoyed the learning process because of my excellent, intelligent, caring, helpful lectures. And I'm really thankful to God for the friends I made in uni, that I can proudly call them lifetime friends.
Since the very beginning, I always knew they are so so so studious and damn good in studies. As a science student, I struggled quite a lot. Constantly doubting myself. I know I have to put more effort, people started from 50%, I have to start from 0%. Looking at how fast they grasp the subject matter, tbh, it was intimidating but I had never felt left out because of them. I'm so so so thankful bc they will always guide me, keep me in check, ask me if I'm okay.
My lecturers left email, phone numbers for us to ask question. Right before exam, I texted my lecturer asking something I don't understand, my lecturer called me. After explaining to me, she waited for me to digest and ask me if I'm okay. I'm just a student that do no good in their life. It was such a blessing.
Never take things for granted.
I've enjoyed my time learning. I've enjoyed my time sleeping in class, eating in class, writing and passing small notes just to talk in class. I'm really grateful. I want to thank God, my family and jon, teamSANA, and whoever cheered for me. 谢谢每一件美好的相遇。Life is still going on, say goodbye to the past and hello future.
Love, AC.
