PCD (A day I wanted to remember forever)

 In actual dilemma whether I want this to be in English or in Mandarin

anyways 

PCD is so real, while everything feels so unreal, it's my dream to see DREAM as a whole, I am overwhelmed, I am devastated that it ended in a glimpse of second PCD is a whore but before I talk about this wanted to thank God for his wonderful plan for me. Even though I'm dead sick for days (yes apparently I got dengue fever/virus or whatever that is called) apparently my immune system has dropped LOW until the virus decided to attack me for people who don't fall sick easily (me) which I think my last demam was in 2020 (Y2 finals lol) It was shocking cz I am so so so dead I slept from 8:30 pm to 2pm the next day have to wake up to eat something to eat medicine and continue to sleep until dinner time, lost my appetite for three days to the extend I wanted to vomit if I ate mains (rice noodles) it was memorable oh ya and I lost my voice cough is so bad. That also explain that I didnt really scream (high pitched kind) coz I can't ??? I tried to scream its so hoarse and ugly ew 

Thank God for recovery, thank God for chenle's recovery too can't imagine if he's absent for TDS I'll probably weep like a bitch

幸福真的只是一瞬间

追星追到我第一次在rockzone 第一次体验看着7个你认认真真喜欢了很多年的人 站在你面前 那个感觉就是 两个字 想哭 哈哈哈哈。很多无形的欢乐和安慰来自他们 因为感恩，所以支持。

我觉得喜欢一个人便是如此，你一心只希望他好 ，不管他对你怎样，对你好不好

When TDS ended, realisation hit me cz it just ended like that, I've waited for the day for the longest time, it just ended irresponsibly. 当我踏出现场的第一步我问我自己值得吗 他们又不认识我 隔着一道永远跨步去的河 两个完全不一样世界的人 值得吗 

真的他妈值 哈哈哈哈 

可能当你真的很喜欢一个人的时候，就是不求回报因为你只希望他开心幸福。也是因为这次的机会，让我知道我自己是非常非常幸福的人， I will always remember this day, this wonderful, marvelous and amazing day of my life. 从seen，到tds，从抢票，到见实，我都不知道要说什么了。当所有的事情都辜负你，自己不能辜负自己，一定要活得更好，一定要往前走，因为你值得世界所有美好的事，要学会给你自己一个机会，因为世界上除了上帝，父母家人，没有人比你更爱自己。放过别人的同时你就学会真正放过自己。嘴长在别人的身上真的不是你可以停止以及改变的事情。学会更爱自己，认真发现自己喜欢的东西，认/真寻找让你找会自己的热诚。千万不要害怕事事改变，因为这些改变才可以换你自己的时代，意味着成长，意味着是时候认识你更美好的前程美景。我每次都说，为什么这个世界很多事情一直有那么多的改变，坚持为什么没有事情是可以永恒不变。我的目光一直很短浅，问为什么时候的方向一直是别人，事实很简单，你不想改变就别变，做好自己的本分。不喜欢别人怎样对待人事物，千万不要双标，保持善良的态度，退一步不代表你输了，不解释不是因为你不在乎，因为解释了别人不一定听也不一定有用，除非是别人想听你解释，不多说也是一种礼貌和尊重。学会尊重别人，尝试去理解跟你不一样的人因为如果这个世界每一个人举止想法都和你一样那上帝不如复制100个你。去了海边，看向了大海，有声但喊不出，因为海是如此的平静。当它珀涛汹涌的时候，谁也不会知道它怎么了，但我会陪着你大喊。

世界就是如此。

anyways, I'm so grateful for life, chamber in a good firm + and a bunch of good peers, although it took me sometime to get used to working environment cz your sister is a strawberry girl. Throwback the first week of work I was so depressed and cried for few days cz I can't with office environment. But now that I've get used to it, things make more sense and workable. Life has been good so far, undeniable that a part of my died that day, and we know the rule of the world, nothing can be resurrected from death, unless God, who knows. This is why He is the one and only one reliable fortes unmovable mountain unchanging gracious God. Grateful that I have a loving family, grateful that I have my best friend as my boyfriend and soulmate, grateful for dream, grateful that I am able to do and able to get what I want in life, grateful that I am a part of TheDreamShow2inKL, grateful that I am able to see 7 talented, energetic, loving big boy big man. 

我想要真的很长很久的一直一直喜欢和支드림

Always remember that you deserve everything pretty in this world, 记得初衷，莫忘初心。

Love, AC

A Graduate Diary

A very long viewable diary 心情日记

人呢，心情不好的时候就想长篇大论。It has been a week since my last and final result announced, I feel, much better, at least, no longer cried about it. People tend to immerse themselves in the past, I mean at least, myself.

“这个世界上有很多事情不是努力就可以。

要有天分，才干。

最重要的，还是运气。”

Flashed back everything in 2016, I was being 'forced' into form6. 下定决心不碰理科的我, once again being arranged into science class. I don't know why I can't remember how stressful I was at that time. My friend reminded me that I always cry when talking about studies. 但是我还真的还挺好强, studied something I don't like but manage to get a so-so result. 

2014, 选科。Before going into form4, I always thought I'm definitely going to choose pure science stream. But ended up because of parents, I took accounts. 真的很不喜欢，硬着头皮读完。考的不怎么样。Now that I think about it, why do I choose account. Why do I screw up PMR. Why do I screw up SPM. 

And here I am, in the same spot, thinking that I can do it, but in fact, I'm far more incapable than I think I am. 

But I was reminded of how I've always strive to do the best in whatever I do. 

“考三个一百 ，当组长” 我考

"你华语不行，你是怎样考进第一班?" Because of my not so chinese look, being looked down by my mandarin subject teacher, I borrowed bunch of chinese novels, begged my parents to buy me chinese books so that I can prove myself.  In secondary school, I studied so hard so people won't compare me with my peers. But ended up, hearing things like "安琦fail着下 都可以考好SPM" 

我到底哪里做不好？

And now here I am, receiving the final result of my degree, a useless second lower. People always say that result is not everything, but it is my most damn important thing in life. 是我自己想做好的事. Apparently I did no good in it at all. I don't know how much time I would take, for me to digest the fact that everything is over. Study, result is not everything, must learn how to look forward. 道理我都懂. I have no talent in study, 大部分靠后天努力。I tried my best, but maybe that isn't my very best. 说自己尽力了 but I'm doubting myself. 但好像不后悔，因为真的觉得自己尽力了。I prayed every day for God to guide and teach me to accept that whatever is given is all God's plan. 学会接受. But when things really happened, I'm still unable to accept, ask God why it happened. But I don't expect an answer. Because I know, I‘ve experienced it, I know God has his own plan. 

毕竟学习成绩是定终身的事, 谁说的过自己。

Going into private uni is my dream, able to enter the college I want, 我也太幸运, I'm such a blessed child. I am finally a graduate. I wanted to say sorry for the people I failed, my parents, lecturers, people who had hopes on me, most importantly, myself. 辜负了自己。But I know continuing at this state also hurts people around me.

But side note, looking back at the past three years, I really enjoyed my time in BAC. 

We don't have interesting campus life, we don't have fancy blocks of buildings, we don't have events held in my campus. 

But I really liked it. 

I liked that my campus(college) is a small one. I think I've never really complaint about my college. Thank God for BAC's management, I've always heard complaint from other uni or college that their management is shitty. Thank God for where KL campus is located, near to mall, near to a lot of hawkers stalls. Anyways lunch is never a problem for me coz I always pack lunch to class. Although I'm not able to experience living outside (dorm-life), but I am able to experience taking public transport to school almost everyday. 

Also, I want to sincerely thank every single lectures that had taught me before. I will never exchange anything for the lectures I got. I enjoyed the learning process because of my excellent, intelligent, caring, helpful lectures. And I'm really thankful to God for the friends I made in uni, that I can proudly call them lifetime friends. 

Since the very beginning, I always knew they are so so so studious and damn good in studies. As a science student, I struggled quite a lot. Constantly doubting myself. I know I have to put more effort, people started from 50%, I have to start from 0%. Looking at how fast they grasp the subject matter, tbh, it was intimidating but I had never felt left out because of them. I'm so so so thankful bc they will always guide me, keep me in check, ask me if I'm okay. 

All these, I'm not capable to do myself.

My lecturers left email, phone numbers for us to ask question. Right before exam, I texted my lecturer asking something I don't understand, my lecturer called me. After explaining to me, she waited for me to digest and ask me if I'm okay. I'm just a student that do no good in their life. It was such a blessing.

Never take things for granted.

I've enjoyed my time learning. I've enjoyed my time sleeping in class, eating in class, writing and passing small notes just to talk in class. I'm really grateful. I want to thank God, my family and jon, teamSANA, and whoever cheered for me. 谢谢每一件美好的相遇。Life is still going on, say goodbye to the past and hello future.

Love, AC.